Reader Question: My Boyfriend Wants Me to Peg Him – But I Find It Totally Unattractive, How Do I Handle It?

Dear Dr. Kinky Team,

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We have a really good relationship – lots of trust, humor, shared interests, and also fulfilling sex life. He's rather submissive, I tend to vanilla with light dominant moments, and so far everything has fit perfectly.

For about a year now, he keeps bringing up the topic of pegging: He has the strong fantasy that I take him with a strap-on. He says it's his biggest wish and excites him extremely. At first, I brushed it off as a joke, but he brings it up more and more often – sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly through porn or hints.

The problem: I find the idea totally unattractive. Just the thought turns me off – I perceive it as unaesthetic, foreign, and somehow "not my thing." I have zero desire for it, feel uncomfortable, and even a bit disgusted. At the same time, I feel pressure because he wants it so much, and I'm afraid of disappointing him or that something important is missing for him long-term.

I've already tried talking openly with him – I told him that I don't find it hot and feel uncomfortable with it. He accepts it, says "okay," but I notice he's sad or frustrated, and after a few weeks the topic comes up again. Now I already feel guilty and pressured, even though I'm not doing anything wrong.

How do I handle this? Should I try it anyway to see if I like it? Or is that unfair to myself? How do I tell him clearly that it's a no-go for me without him feeling rejected? And what if it becomes a dealbreaker for him long-term?

We really love each other – I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to do something that turns me off.

Thank you very much for your help!

Best regards

An Insecure Girlfriend

Response from the Dr. Kinky Team

My Boyfriend Wants Me to Peg Him – But I Find It Totally Unattractive, How Do I Handle It?

Dear Insecure Girlfriend,

thank you for your open letter. You describe a classic mismatch in sexuality that occurs much more often than one thinks: A strong fantasy on his side (pegging is one of the most common submissive desires in men) and a clear "No, that turns me off" on your side. Your feelings are absolutely legitimate – and you're not doing anything wrong if you have no desire for it. At the same time, his disappointment is understandable. The good news: Such differences are no automatic relationship killer, but can be well resolved with open communication and compromises.

1. Your "No" is Legitimate – You Don't Have to Do Anything That Turns You Off

Sex must be fun for both. If pegging disgusts or makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to reject it – no matter how much he wants it. A healthy relationship is not based on one crossing their boundaries to make the other happy. If you did it only "for him," it would feel wrong for you and long-term create frustration or turn-off.

You also don't have to "try it once to see if you like it." Some things you just instinctively know don't fit – and that's okay.

2. Why the Topic Keeps Coming Up – and How You Communicate More Clearly

He brings it up repeatedly because it's an important fantasy for him – that's normal. But his repetition can (unintentionally) create pressure. You've already said openly that you don't find it hot – that was good. Now you need a clear, loving, but final boundary:

Example for a conversation:

• "I love you and our sex – and I've noticed that pegging just isn't my thing. It doesn't turn me on, but rather off, and I don't want to do it. That has nothing to do with you, but with my own feeling. I want us both to have fun, and that wouldn't be fun for me."
• Emphasize the positive: "I find it hot when you're submissive – let's try other things that we both like (e.g. bondage, verbal dominance, prostate stimulation with hand/finger/toys without strap-on)."

This way he doesn't feel completely rejected, but sees that you appreciate his submissive side.

3. Find Compromises – Without Crossing Your Boundary

There are many ways to satisfy his submissive/prostate-near fantasy without you having to peg:

• Prostate Massage with Finger or Toy: Many men find it similarly intense – and it feels more natural for many women.
• Other Dominant Acts: Verbal humiliation during handjob/oral, bondage, spanking, orgasm control, facesitting.
• Role Switch or Solo: He can stimulate himself while you give dominant commands or watch.
• Professional Domme: Some couples outsource specific fantasies (with clear rules and transparency).

Ask together: "What exactly turns you on about pegging?" (Power surrender? Prostate stimulation? Humiliation?) – Often the core can be fulfilled differently.

4. If It Becomes a Dealbreaker

If pegging is absolutely essential for him and absolute no-go for you, it could become a problem long-term. That would be a fundamental compatibility question – like with any important sexual preference. But many couples find compromises and remain happy together. Give time and keep talking – often a fantasy fades when other needs are met.

5. You're Not Guilty – and Don't Have to Feel Guilty

His fantasy is his wish – not your obligation. A good relationship means both feel accepted as they are. If he loves you, he'll respect your boundary and not pressure.

Conclusion: Be Clear, Loving, and Creative

Talk once more openly and definitively – and offer alternatives that you enjoy. Many couples with similar mismatch have found good solutions and are even happier today.

You'll make it – because you already communicate well and love each other.

If you need more ideas for dominant alternatives – write again.

Best regards

The Dr. Kinky Team