Reader Question: I Have Extreme Masochism Fantasies (Strong Pain, Humiliation), But I'm Ashamed of Them – Is That Normal?

Dear Dr. Kinky Team,

I've been in a loving relationship with my partner for four years (he's switch, but tends dominant), and we live a very fulfilling BDSM dynamic. I'm submissive and from the beginning noticed that especially intense, hard play forms excite me extremely: Strong pain (e.g. hard spanking, caning, needles, waxplay to the limit), combined with strong humiliation and degradation (verbal humiliation, objectification, "being used" like an object).

When we do such sessions, I'm in absolute high afterward – I fly into subspace, feel totally fulfilled, connected to him, and sexually satisfied like never before. For me, it's the most intense kick I know.

But at the same time, I'm very ashamed of it. I constantly ask myself: Is it normal for a woman to enjoy extreme pain and humiliation so much? Do I want "too much"? Am I somehow "broken" or "sick" because it turns me on so much? I'm afraid that others (even in the scene) will judge me for it or think I have problems from my past that I need to process. Sometimes after a session, I even feel guilty – as if I were "perverse" or doing something wrong, even though my partner does it all with me and tells me again and again that he finds it hot and loves me for it.

I don't want to give it up – these fantasies are an important part of my sexuality. But the shame gnaws at me and sometimes takes away the full enjoyment. Are there other women who have similarly intense masochism fantasies? How do they deal with the shame? Is it really okay to be so "extreme" as long as everything is consensual and safe?

Thank you very much for an honest and understanding answer – I hardly dare to tell anyone besides my partner.

Best regards

A Shamed Masochist

Response from the Dr. Kinky Team

I Have Extreme Masochism Fantasies (Strong Pain, Humiliation), But I'm Ashamed of Them – Is That Normal?

Dear Shamed Masochist,

thank you for your brave and very open letter. What you describe – the intense arousal from strong pain and humiliation, paired with emerging shame and self-doubts afterward – is something many masochistic women (and men) know. You're far from alone, and the most important thing right away: Yes, that's absolutely normal. Your fantasies don't make you "broken," "sick," or "perverse." They are a legitimate, widespread variation of human sexuality.

1. Masochism is More Common and Normal Than One Thinks

Studies (e.g. the large survey by Justin Lehmiller with over 4,000 participants or investigations by Jesse Bering) show: Over 60% of women have masochistic fantasies, many of them intense with pain and humiliation. Especially in submissive women, hard impact play (caning, spanking), waxplay, needles, or verbal degradation are extremely popular. Many report exactly like you: The subspace in such sessions is the deepest and most fulfilling state they know.

The enjoyment of "extreme" pain and humiliation is no disorder – it is based on endorphins, adrenaline, and the deep surrender that arises from it. Your brain rewards you for it because it links trust, intimacy, and pleasure.

2. Where Does the Shame Come From?

The shame doesn't arise from you, but from society:

• Women are raised to be "good," "pain-sensitive," and "dignified." When we then notice how much the opposite excites us, it feels like betrayal.
• Media and porn often portray masochism as "disturbed" or "trauma-induced" – yet many masochistic women have a completely normal biography.
• The fear of judgment ("What do others in the scene think?") is real – but in the real BDSM community, intense masochists are often admired and respected, not judged.

The guilt feelings after sessions are also a known "sub-drop" effect: After the endorphin high comes the crash, and the inner critic gets loud.

3. You Don't Want "Too Much" – You Want Exactly the Right Thing for You

There is no "upper limit" for masochism as long as everything is SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). Many women love exactly what you describe – and live it proudly. Your partner finds it hot and loves you for it? That's the best sign that it's healthy.

4. How to Deal with the Shame

• Normalize It: Read books like "The New Bottoming Book" by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy or "Partners in Power" by Jack Rinella. You'll see: Many women have exactly your fantasies and have overcome the shame.
• Talk to Other Masochists: In our Online Community or on FetLife/Joyclub there are posts where women openly share their intense preferences – and how they've learned to be proud of them.
• Expand Aftercare: After sessions, not just cuddling, but conscious confirmation: "You are strong, wonderful, and exactly right as you are." He can tell you how much he appreciates your surrender.
• Reframing: Remind yourself: "What excites me harms no one and makes me happy – it's okay."
• Self-Acceptance Exercises: Write down what you love about your masochism and why it makes you a better partner (e.g. deep trust, intense closeness).

5. If the Shame is Very Strong

If it restricts your life strongly, kink-affirmative therapy can help (e.g. via kinkawareprofessionals.org). Many masochists have shed the last doubts that way and live their inclinations even more freely.

6. You Are Strong – Exactly Because You Need That

Dear Masochist, your ability to surrender so deeply and enjoy intense sensations makes you an incredibly strong and sensitive woman. Many dominants dream of a partner like you.

Allow yourself to enjoy it without shame. You are normal, healthy, and wonderful – exactly as you are.

Come if you like to our Community or an Online Meetup – there you'll meet many women who are intense masochists like you and are proud of it today.

You haven't done anything wrong – you just have a special, valuable side to you.

Heartfelt Hug

The Dr. Kinky Team