Meeting Vanilla Friends: How We Explain (or Don't) Our Kinky Life

Experience Reports and Elegant Strategies for Dealing with Non-Scene Friends

By Lena (34) and Dom Tom (40) – together for nine years, in a committed D/s relationship for seven. We have a large circle of friends: colleagues, old schoolmates, family friends – most of them purely "vanilla." Some know, most don't. In this post, we share our experiences on how we handle curious questions, when we're open and when not, and above all: practical strategies that help us stay relaxed.

Why the Topic is a Topic at All

Lena: "BDSM isn't a hobby we indulge in occasionally on weekends for us – it's part of our identity and relationship. But we don't live in a bubble. We have barbecues, birthdays, weekend trips with friends who know nothing about the scene. And eventually questions come: 'Why do you always wear that chain?' or 'Why does Tom decide so often what you do?' You have to be prepared for that."

Tom: "Many in the scene don't out themselves at all – out of fear of prejudices. We've decided: We don't lie actively, but we don't tell everything either. It's about protecting our privacy and respecting others' boundaries. Not everyone has to or wants to understand it."

Our Basic Rules for Dealing with Vanilla Friends

Rule 1: We decide together who we tell what. Before every meeting with new or curious friends, we agree: "If the topic comes up – how do we react?" That prevents awkward moments and provides security.

Rule 2: Not everything needs explaining. Some things (like my collar as a simple necklace) we just explain as "jewelry that Tom gave me." Done. No drama.

Rule 3: Humor and distraction are our best weapons. If questions get too direct, we deflect elegantly or make a joke out of it.

Experience Reports: The Funny, Embarrassing, and Educational Moments

The Classic: The Collar Question at the Barbecue. Lena: "A friend asks in front of everyone: 'Why do you always wear that leather band around your neck?' I reply coolly: 'It's my lucky charm – Tom gave it to me years ago, and since then everything's gone great.' Everyone nods, topic closed. Later she asks again: 'Is that a trend?' Me: 'Yeah, kind of couple-goals jewelry.' Laughed, drank beer, kept grilling."

The Almost-Outing Moment on the Double Date. Tom: "We were out to eat with another couple. The woman says: 'You're so harmonious – Lena always lets you decide where to go.' I grin and say: 'Well, I just have better taste.' Lena adds: 'And I save myself the thinking – win-win!' They laugh and tell about their own fights over restaurant choices. No one suspected there's a clear D/s structure behind it."

The Embarrassing Near-Miss at the Wedding. Lena: "At a vanilla wedding, we dance close. A drunk friend whispers to me: 'Tom is really dominant on the dance floor!' I laugh and say: 'Yeah, he leads great – I love being led.' He: 'Sounds like a healthy relationship!' Thank God he didn't dig deeper. Since then, we're more careful with wording around alcohol."

The Real Outing – and Why It Was Good. Tom: "With our best friends (a couple we've known for 15 years), we outed ourselves three years ago. It came up by chance: They'd read 'Fifty Shades' and asked if we 'ever try that too.' We nodded and said: 'More than that – but it's consensual and makes us happy.' They were first surprised, then curious, and ultimately totally understanding. Today they even joke about it – 'Need handcuff tips?' That deepened our friendship."

Elegant Strategies: How to Respond to Typical Questions

Here are our tried-and-tested answers – always friendly, always true (to a degree), always deflecting:

Question: "Why do you always wear that chain/collar?"

• "It's a gift from Tom – symbolizes our connection."
• "Just jewelry I like. Like your bracelet."
• (Humorous) "So I don't get lost!"

Question: "Why do you always decide (Tom) what you do?"

• "We've divided the roles – Tom plans great, I'm the creative one."
• "I happily leave the organization to him, then I can relax."
• "In many relationships, there's one who sets the tone – with us, it's Tom."

Question: "Are you a Fifty Shades couple?"

• "We watched the movie and laughed – reality is much more nuanced."
• "A bit spicy, yes – but above all lots of communication and trust."
• (If you don't want to explain) "Ah, the book was okay, but we prefer real romance."

Question: "What do you do in the bedroom?" (too direct!)

• "That's our secret – but we have fun!" (with a wink)
• "Enough to be happy." Then change topic: "And you?"

Tip for Distraction: Always ask a counter-question. Most people prefer talking about themselves.

When We're Open – and When Not

Lena: "We only out ourselves to people we really trust and who seem open. With colleagues or casual acquaintances: Never. It's no one's business, and prejudices can harm careers or friendships."

Tom: "But we don't lie. If someone asks directly and we feel safe, we say: 'Yes, we live a consensual power dynamic – similar to BDSM, but our way.' Then we briefly explain SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK. Most react positively if you present it normal and confidently."

What We've Learned: Tips for You

1. Be confident: The more relaxed you are, the less "weird" it seems.
2. Respect boundaries – also others': Not everyone wants to hear details.
3. Code words with your partner: We have a subtle signal (e.g., hand on thigh) if one notices the conversation heading in a dangerous direction.
4. Preparation is everything: Role-play scenarios with your partner – it's fun and takes pressure off.
5. Not everyone has to understand: Some friends stay vanilla – and that's okay.

Our Conclusion

Lena: "Having vanilla friends enriches our life. They remind us that we're a completely normal couple – with jobs, hobbies, vacations. The kinky side is our bonus, not our be-all and end-all."

Tom: "And honestly: Most people have their own 'secrets' in their relationships. We're just more open with our communication. In the end, it's about trust – in the relationship and in friendships."

Meet your vanilla friends relaxed, be authentic (to the extent that suits you), and enjoy life on both sides. We'd love to hear from your experiences: How do you handle curious questions? Share in the comments!